“What are people thinking these days?” is the thought bouncing around in my brain and then I realize it is my final response and indeed his reality. Therefore I do not blame him or those like him for what they wish to pursue in this life. I cannot fault any man for his thinking, his technique, his version of normal as I am quite frankly learning to boldly live in mine. Plural marriage is the tennis ball that is racketing between the thin invisible net just visible under the white line of our peace flags. I don’t have to come over if I don’t choose to. Ignoring him is the best course of action at this point as I am honestly flustered. Joking about a sugar daddy is riff raff and while I wouldn’t sneer at another woman for engaging in such relations it’s not for me or in the new age slang….that’s none of my business.
And yet I am considering only how such things seem to fall into my lap. I have never been so curious as to go looking for potential nonsense or wildness and even still I manage to be cast in the starring role. In all my life I wanted to be an actor…not an actress for they are far too pretty for my taste and while its all shinning lights and whose on your arm at the gala I’d like to offer that I thrive more at being established. I am not all glitz and glamour and while people who think they know me will tell you the complete opposite I assure you their sources are as stank as rotten milk that was bought on Thursday and is now trying to live in a Tuesday world. Let’s face it…I’m not pretty oh so not pretty, and I’d admit I am far far cast from witty (well maybe) and gay!
If you haven’t noticed I’m that girl, the one in the corner wondering things that should not be spoken and yet they find a way out of my mouth in one form or another. I think he meant to make me feel better if that’s at all possible. I will give him credit though for even if I met me knowing who I am I would find it extremely difficult to satisfy my sweet and salty taste. Which most often time people find sour and not to their liking; I’m acquired in that department if you will.
“Why be single and alone?” was his backwards question as he threw statistics at me. Apparently the Beach Boys got it right because two girls for every boy is the case it may seem. As you dust off your spectacles and continue squinting your eyes, there is in fact more women than men. Not at all shocking this is the exact argument and it’s been confirmed for a very long time it appears.
I suppose giving in then is the best we can do. Make us share since “most women are sharing anyways. They just don’t know about it”. I envision him adjusting a tie or shifting his weight in a chair to puff out his chest or even rolling his eyes in a thirteen year old face exhaling the word duh. I’m at a loss for words as everything we’ve discussed up until this point has either gone over his head or somewhere under his feet and yet it didn’t manage to trip him and assist him in landing straight on his face. Visual I am as we now live in a world of fakers and liars, cheats and posers all wrapped up in media. The screen lights up and I’m unsure of my response as I am being forced into living a caged life. Break free the chains that I have bled from and the disrespect I’ve allowed myself to suffer in. In the cage unbeknownst to me, shame on me…but out of the cage to go willingly back in?? Are you out of your mind??
My emotions have run dry in the department of mind processing information. Sorting logic that has been beaten into something so unrecognizable I feel the bile regurgitating as we speak, write, weep. For the cost of losses that I can no longer count; weep. A moment of silence for the struggle, weep. A bench to rest your tired feet on, weep. More importantly a censor for your eyes to block out the vision I see for our youth; continue to weep. Can we weep enough to wash and cleanse the gap that is becoming the definition of this generation’s future?
I painted an amazing picture of him. I am learning now that looks can be deceiving more sowhen the paint brush is in your hands too. Finger prints pasted, there is no escaping the dramatic image on screen. He was nothing you ever could have wanted on his own. He fooled you into thinking he might be. Could be is handing out too much extra credit and your far too failing this class to catch up now anyway. He was an actress but never an actor. He looked well and he played the role and you smiled and flocked right to the flame. So warm with all the vibrant colors and all he saw was fuel for the blissful madness that was him.
He finishes with his sweet nothings of “taking care of me” and “paying my bills” all things he knows are factors to eliminate. Nothing a little multiplying and dividing wouldn’t fix. “You won’t have to work” said the big bad wolf right before the final blow. Doesn’t he know I would go? In a direction so far it’s not on a map or in a book or even in the mind of a child. I’ve been gone before. Damn near invisible, under the radar, under the surface where he casted me away. Then he went looking for me and I decided to choose me. I was no longer the helpless little caterpillar. I sprouted wings dark and thick, and claws like a beast. A dark deep blackness in my presence and yet still light resided in my suffering soul. I had escaped the depths of a thousand self haunting deaths and now you are asking me to give you back the key?
What are you to me….nothing? Not because I was nothing to you but because under your façade; that perfect attire, that sexy resume, that handsome self built structure you only ever saw my admiration and convenience. It holds you up firmly on your pedestal as you look down on me waiting for me to trip up. Giving me just enough of what I want to take away the shit and then rub it in my face simultaneously. Thanks, but no thanks. I tried to let you back in had you done so on good terms. You pry and pull at teeth that aren’t even yours and offer goods that entice and lure only to be laced with poisonous crimes.
Give up everything for someone who didn’t care enough, didn’t respect enough, couldn’t bring themselves to acknowledge the situation and take blame where it was due. Sad puppy eyes and tall dark and handsome features deteriorate when I think of you; to grasp that once I saw a future for us, possibly even now trying to gain perspective and understanding because you asked so politely, catches me off guard. And while I may not have been one of the Cosby’s and I didn’t go to Hill man, do not for one secondunderestimate the tears dedication and courage it took to build up who I am. Her delivery is never on time and she often screws up the order and you might receive it a little cold but at the end of the day; the job I take seriously in restoring what I have allowed other people to break is the only “work” in my inbox.
Do not put me at risk for not siding with your tactics or not playing on your team. Do not abandon me to the darkest parts of the world because I lack your’ selfobsessed portrayal of events. We can gladly agree to disagree and move on. I no longer have time to listen to your proposal if you cannot respect the onetimeexplanation, of my existence. Existence of what I stand for, how I feel and what I will not move one muscle for. No means no. And even still I can hear the underlying plea in your texts: “can you hear me?” yes, Ioud and clear but what I do with that is up to me, not you.
I show up the same no matter where I go. Take it or leave it. I’ve never grasped the art of frontingfor others; I’m a horrible cheat and I’m even worse at lying.I never see the point. And while I may try to hide my interior it always finds away to out shine my exterior and at times without my control or understanding, but I will NOT apologize…I have released my last one, I am no longer defeated, I have no more left to give.