Its interesting to find out what makes us all tick. I love finding out about people and what gets them inspired, upset, what their passions are, how they love, where they come from, where they’re going and why they haven’t done the things they say they’ve been wanting to do! If I could talk to everyone I would just because its so fascinating. Sitting in
Starbucks there’s a well dressed gentlemen who just ordered his coffee in his own personal mug and I wonder where he just came from, is he satisfied with his life thus far or has he been putting up a front the whole time. Secret identities or just genuinely happy individuals are floating in and out of your life, unbeknownst to you in both forms. I had a friend and the obvious word is “had”; it was because she didn’t know enough about me, us, we (me and my best friend) because she wasn’t willing to branch out of the club scene with us long enough to have an actual conversation, nor did we take the time to get where she was coming from or why thats all she wanted. I can take my part of the fault in that but it doesn’t change the way things changed and eventually ended.
All this to say: here’s another little part of me. Its not meant for you to fall in love with me or even for you to applaud that there is more “wrong” with me than there is you, lol! But in all sincerity to inspire you to share yourself with others. Know that there is three types of knowing….what you know you know, what you don’t know you know and what you don’t know you don’t know!
I personally am tired of the first two and want to dive into the unknown of getting to know those I consider my life. Relationships end when the sharing stops, not for much else. So here’s to getting to know me better, that way if you like it or don’t like it….you’ll at least have all the information. Here’s a breakdown of what gives me the jitters and the outcomes of overcoming them!
Checking the mail
When I was a kid I loved the idea of getting something in the mail. I used to write my own mail and tell my mom to mail it back to us just so I had something to open. Who would have thought that years later mail would create this world of worry and paralysis. It can get so bad that I didn’t get my mail for a whole week or so and the post office stopped bringing it. They canceled my mail, all because I never picked it up. And when I finally did check it there was nothing to check. Don’t get me wrong I don’t mind magazines or coupons off more stuff (that I don’t need) but student loan bills and medical bills, insurance bills and utility bills I just cant deal with.
Now after that post office setback I had to make it a point to check my mail at least periodically but even then I would put it off to the side and disregard it. They were all hands ready to settle around my neck or ring me dry of every last dollar I didn’t have to begin with.
These days its gotten better because I have started taking control of my finances. I receive my mail just fine now but its the opening it that I haven’t quite gotten past. I am still in the confronting stages of my anxiety in this area but am gradually working towards feeling confident about what the contents of my life and decisions have to present.
Answering the phone
This for me is just one of those avoidance situations as well. It goes hands in hand with the mail issue because bill collectors have access to you this way and then every time the phone rings you think its someone else asking for another cent or is going to threaten you into wage garnishment or prison. I mean friends who try to contact me with a number I am not familiar with get hit with the straight to voicemail option. And if not then I tell them to text me first so I know its them otherwise I wont be picking up. The phone rings non stop at my mothers house and 11 times out of 10 its a bill collector. Therefore, picking up the phone makes me aggravated and in some cases leading to anxiety per the reminder that I have unfinished financial business!
This particular anxiety spark hasn’t really stopped. I still refuse to pick up the phone and I have a problem with answering numbers I don’t already have stored. So if I happen to hit you back with a “whose this” text…don’t necessarily write me off, unless you’re that butt sore about it, its probably that I have a new phone and your number didn’t transfer thats all. Believe me when I tell you that I have had peoples numbers in my phone from years ago that I no longer talk to but haven’t found the time to delete!! On the side though, once I clear up some of this debt I am sure that answering the phone wont be so difficult any more…here’s to hoping!!
This used to get me down in a huge huge way and thankfully it is not the center of my anxiety any longer. It is the root of all evil and yet it makes the world go round. What would we do and where would we be without it? I find it sickening that we live in a place where for some we think that we are alive to pay bills and die. To have to live paycheck to paycheck and therefore forget to take care of ourselves. Where we measure the need to go to the doctor by how bad it hurts or whether or not we can heal it ourselves with some quick over the counter fixer upper just to avoid medical costs. The same place where we use words like deserving and entitled to cover up not paying a bill in order to splurge a little on a meal or a night out. A space where not all children can attend the school field trip or have the latest gadget because they have to choose between that or eating for the rest of the week. Or my favorite, which is where I get caught up: paying a tuition that is more money than you’ll probably see in one room in one lifetime in the same place just to be in seemingly forever debt.
Don’t forget you have to move out of mommy’s house and heat your new digs and hook up the gas to cook up a meal. That is if you have money left over to buy groceries and pay for your bus card or gas money….But I’m sure you get the picture I am painting and all of those things i’ve mentioned are like hands that continue to tighten around my long slender sleek neck. And as the veins become bluer from constraint as I try to rip them free, I’ve learned that me being in student loan debt and managing money horribly is just whats so. At this point there is only confronting what I can do about it right now and forgetting about what I haven’t done because that shit really doesn’t hold weight unless I allow it to.
Therefore I am on this journey to Financial Freedom!! I am going to just take it one day at a time and work it out from there being conscious of what I am spending and where my money is going so that I can make better money decisions. Hiding from it is not going to get me anywhere but where I’ve been at these last 7 years. Check out my blog the tips I have been using to manage my finances. I am truly creating that I am the possibility that every one can lead a financially free life and in turn get the best out of it!!
Getting up in front of people to talk
This one should come to you as a shock if you know me because I do nothing but talk constantly. Its like my super power, lol! Shocking still that I have the need to express myself through writing…no? lol all jokes aside this is a serious set back. I mean I would hide my essays at school during Language Arts so that I wouldn’t be picked to read in front of the class and then casually slip it into the pile of essays at the head of the desk on the way out! And even when I couldn’t avoid the immense anxiety of getting up in front of my peers I was hysterical. I would sweat profusely and my leg would shake and I’d heat up like pyro from the x-men. After I was finished my friends insured me that I’d nailed it but that didn’t matter. Flashing forward it has stayed with me. I dont like being called on but I cant avoid people wanting to tell me to shut up from how much I love conversation. I could talk to someone for hours and even entertain a small group of people but when I feel that there are people considering me completely and my thoughts directly I clam up and stutter to gain control.
That being said I think I’ve hit a point of breakthrough with joining forces with Landmark; the organization I am currently volunteering with and have taken seminars with to take charge of my life and myself in an extraordinary way (more on that later). I was currently attending a seminar that was bringing to light the understanding that we are all here for group or as a group and that our individual selves actually play second fiddle to what we are really up against or fighting for. That group is our life, every single person you know that makes up your daily routine is your life and I took a stand for a gentlemen who wasn’t getting that for himself to therefore contribute to his group/his life. I literally raced up to the mic and before I realized i was standing there in front of 94 other individuals I was speaking life into someone else, off the cuff of what he was going through and where he was coming from. When I sat back down I was energized and empowered not only because I impacted someone without it being intended for personal gain but because I had let myself go I was no longer attached to my fears, or my considerations for the other 92 souls in the room. Whether they thought I had gotten it right or wrong or if my hair was in the right place or if I had calculated every single syllable leaving my lips. I was there to make a point to share my understanding to provoke someones thought process with my words to speak life into someone to jostle them just enough.
The results were phenomenal. I was praised for not only what I said, but how I handled it (without hesitation), how determined I was, how clear I articulated, the stand I was for this gentlemen. My life at that moment, those people, thought that I was a confirmed leader in my life; a legit therapist, even a lawyer. Those things showed up for them because of my ability to let go and be free in what I wanted to accomplish with this man for his life in that moment.
Now while I still have a touch of hesitation when the opportunity to speak presents itself there is no story behind any of it. It just is a choice I am making based solely on what happened, not what makes it right or wrong or what comes after. It was and continues to be a great feeling.
Public Displays of Affection
Can’t say I really know where this one comes from but I do feel a great deal of uncomfortableness when it comes to PDA. I guess I’d say its mostly in public that I have the issue, either I feel like someone is watching me (like Mel Gibson in Conspiracy Theory) or kind of but not as extreme as Sigourney Weaver in Copy Cat!!
I know thats insane, not to mention I am a hopeless romantic, but its just what it is! I clam up and freak out. If you grab my hand to hold it I feel like I do when I have to get up in front of the class to speak. This happens in the car with just me and you alone and can’t no one see us. Now this doesn’t just happen romantically either. My sister has a tendency to lock arms with me when walking down the street at times and I get this paranoid feeling. Then there’s my best friend back in high school who would put her hand on my thigh when talking to me and leave it lingering there and I would not be able to concentrate on anything she was saying because all my focus was on her touching me.
Now my mom uses me as an aide to walk when we are out and that doesn’t bother me too much because I know that it is a means to an end. But anything else and I am in a chaotic mess lol! Not sure how I am going to get out of this uncomfortable situation but its there and it lingers heavily. If anyone has any challenges or suggestions, please let me know I wouldn’t be opposed to hearing them or even trying a few out!
Whatever…I mean everyone was afraid of roller coasters at one point in their lives or another, right? Just me huh? okay i can accept that! I really don’t think i need an explanation for this one but I’ll suffice you one with one anyway. Swishing this way and that way, upside down while sitting right side up at a million miles a second on a device that in some cases is built on wooden planks is not my cup of tea. It took me forever to ride the Batman at Six Flags Great America and my argument was that I had a harness over my chest and my waist. Then I decided I would try out one, just one, new roller coaster each year we went. Now mind you the tickets are not cheap but it didn’t matter. It was my money and with the attractions and funnel cakes (yum!!!) it was work my $40!!
In high school my best friend dragged me there every year and I would literally be sick after breakfast and my stomach would ache as soon as you could see the coasters from the expressway…”umm can we go back home now??” nope stuck in this horrible alternate universe for the entire day terrified for my life! I didn’t think that being scared shitless was a valid excuse to not get on the ride, but luckily my pale face did the job!!
These days I am uber excited that there are no coasters in my future or my most recent past, not really sure when we stopped the ritual (probably 21 came around and it went all down hill from there lol) but I was glad that it did. I would even be paranoid when summer came around and those stupid commercials. I’d avoid bringing it up in hopes my best friend forgot, lets just say she never did forget but I managed to live through my brief brush with nearly dying!!
Hope this was as entertaining to hear as it was to write!! Continue sharing all of you!! And the link below is to the Financial Tips I was referring to earlier.
Happy Sharing Party People
a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.“he felt a surge of anxiety”
synonyms: worry, concern, apprehension, apprehensiveness, uneasiness, unease,fearfulness, fear, disquiet, disquietude, inquietude, perturbation, agitation,angst, misgiving, nervousness, nerves, tension, tenseness; More
PSYCHIATRYa nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks.