Life Re-Examined

I learned something about myself and it was pretty amazing. I had a conversation with a friend about life and future plans. It was gathered around having children and what that looked like for the both of us. They said they had a plan and it consisted of them saving money and being financially stable before they traveled down that road because they didn’t want their kids to want for anything. And I totally agree with that, but I was thinking what is really enough money and when do you know for sure that you’re ready? I suppose you don’t and well in my mind I have it that there is no right or set “perfect” time just the stability and mindset to push through no matter what or how that happens.

However, while I want children in my life I am not actively tracking down potential baby daddies. Thats just absurd and quite frankly tacky. I want my family to come along as naturally as possible without any pressure or weight but I also don’t want to put any heavy pressing restraints on it either. That being said I was totally convicted and confronted by what my friend had expressed because while you never know when life is going to trip you up with a monumentally unexpected blessing it is logical to prepare and be prepared for anything. Because while it might not be a baby in your near future it could be anything, a car accident, a medical expense, a child’s graduation or a huge move. And in the midst of all of that I found something there for myself…..

I discovered while reflecting with another friend that I thought I had it all wrong and that I needed to have a plan and that I wasn’t prepared for much of anything in my life let alone a child!! I was making myself wrong for how I was living my life and what that meant. Only for her to tell me that while having a plan is great I should look into it from my own perspective and not this other friend of mines. What they want to do works for them and they are not on the same path as me but that’s okay too. She said that this was probably someone I wanted to see if there was any potential with in terms of a longer relationship and that it was normal to think I needed to sync up with how they wanted to plan their future but that no one way is the right or wrong way. It also doesn’t mean that me and this other person couldn’t be together despite our differences in opinion on the subject matter. And that at the end its compromise and integrity but that if I was feeling those pains of uncertainty and confusion about where I was with what I am doing then it is something I should look into and evaluate but by no means was I launching myself into disaster.

She also confided in me her story of unexpected pregnancy and how her and her husband took that on. From my listening of her story I did not take away that they dealt with their current situation but took it on as a part of their lives like it was supposed to be there. One step at a time they built a foundation that will benefit their child, their family and their marriage. Not that it won’t spring a leak or endure a crack or two but that they take it day by day with stride and grace. What I got out of her share for me was that while I am living my life perfectly as it is I have the freedom to make a choice around my current situation and continue to make choices that benefit each shift in my life’s journey whatever that is or isn’t at any given moment.

So while I was silently evaluating how crappy I’ve been navigating those yikes moments in my life where I “should” have a plan based on someone else’s choices I ultimately gained a new perspective and reflection of self. I have been currently wondering what my next steps should be and where I want to go. But I thought how comfortable I’ve been for so long in this moment and I was settling, no I AM settling. I am not actively taking part in my life and weighing all of my choices. I am just creating reasons and making decisions instead. Evaluating the pros and cons of where I am now I am hanging on by a thread of looking great to avoid looking bad and I am doing a shitty job!! No excuse me’s for the language because my only limit is me. And while I’ve come a long way from where I’ve been those moments still creep in and shoving them back and getting rid of them completely are two very different things. I have no more room in my bag to carry around unnecessary baggage.

As well its important to have great amazing, thought provoking and supportive people in your life. He also said that there are three kinds of people in your life: some for a reason, some for a season and some for a lifetime. Its vital that you meet all of these people and understand that it is not up to you to decide who each one is at any given time but to allow them to do what they came for. All will reveal itself in the end but I have encountered all of these people and am grateful for them all. As for me I am a person that is here for a lifetime, mine own and I need to start reflecting on what that is, means, and looks like regularly. I get now that just because something is comfortable or familiar doesn’t mean it isn’t time to break away and start anew. Just like jobs/careers or places you live hold true to that as well. For me it is time to do some serious heartfelt evaluating because right now I don’t feel like I can take care of myself let alone a whole other person and my integrity needs to expand into that. You can’t grow and expect everything to stay the same. Its a contradiction that leaves you stuck with resentment for the way things should have been.

I’m always talking about a life change and just getting in trouble for talking in general, lol! So here’s to doing, being active and launching myself to do what there is to be done and stop talking about it. The choice has been made and I am not going to allow the reasons behind bottomless decisions lead the way. And neither should you. Keep that pulse alive by being impulsive and sharing, because the moment you stop sharing you die or kill off parts of the life you want to live!

 

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